Myrtle: My Trip to the Holy Land or Hooray for Dollywood

Once again my blog post has been hijacked. Myrtle has resorted to blackmail if I don’t let her write a post today. She has threatened to release some very unflattering photos of me at a pumpkin festival. Let’s just say I’ll never enter a giant corn maze again. Once I figured out I could make my own hole in the cornstalk walls I was out of there in a matter of minutes. Too bad my need was a restroom in a matter of seconds.

 

dolly-parton-at-dollywoodDouger graciously allowed me to write in his blob thingy today to tell you about my trip to Pigeon Forge and the holy land, Dollywood. I went with my friend from church, Hazel. This proved to be a huge mistake. First of all we shared a motel room. This was wrong on so many levels. My dear friend Hazel, whom I’ve only seen in her church garb, likes to prance around in the confines of the room nearly naked. This is only made worse by the fact that she is sporting some pretty impressive breasticles. Keep in mind she is a mere child of 82 so in her day I’m sure she had some back problems. Now they’re easier to carry because they hang a little lower than the belt area. It’s just not what you want to see while you’re trying to watch Pat Sajak and the wheel. He is a cutie.

We decided to save money by buying our food and eating in the motel room. I had a nice big ham sandwich on my plate along with some chips. I set my plate in the floor for a second while I located something to watch on the television. Hazel came over to ask me how I liked a photo on her phone. It was of a grand baby or great grand baby, I don’t remember, she has a gazillion family members. As I handed her phone back to her and bent to grab my plate I noticed several of my chips had spilled onto the floor. Reaching for them I realized in horror, they were attached to Hazel’s toes. Fighting my gag reflex I retrieved my plate from the floor and promptly threw it away. That image still haunts my dreams.

I’ll write more about my trip with Hazel later, when Douger turns his back or I can knock him out. Either way I’ll be back. Until then keep your powder dry and your food off the floor.

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