Myrtle: A Trip to the Holy Land or Hooray for Dollywood, Part 2

Douger is gone to the grocery store and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. The other night I slipped him one of my sleeping pills. He didn’t know it and now he’s okay. We have learned, however, when he takes sleeping pills he likes to drive naked. Darndest thing I’ve ever seen. On top of that I’ve got some great pictures to blackmail him the next time I need it.


I’ve got a few more things to tell you about my trip to Pigeon Forge with Hazel. She’s a friend of mine from church. Her husband didn’t pass like my Norman. He ran from Hazel like a cat with its tail on fire. He didn’t take anything but the clothes on his back. If you ask me, that’s a man who is afraid he might get his private parts clipped off in the middle of the night. I saw Hazel eating a German sausage the other night and I’ve got to tell you she’s good with a knife. I wouldn’t doubt that man was somewhere in witness protection. I know he saw Hazel wear’in that black dress that would’ve been too short for a woman half her age and size. Now that was a crime. I said all that to say this, Hazel is a church friend, not a real friend. She’s one of those people who put on airs sometimes and wants people to think she’s somebody she’s not. I ask her on this trip because my neighbor friend, Martha, was busy. This give me a chance to peel back some of Hazel’s layers. There’s a gold mine of quirks in there and I’m going to find most of them.

I think the last time I wrote this was shortly after Hazel stuck her yellow, cracked, and dusty toe nails in my dinner plate. Another shiver and my gag reflex just kicked in. Those things were awful. She needs some real podiatric help.

We made it to Dollywood and it was great. Almost everywhere we went in there we could hear God’s music, you know, Country. I discovered Hazel needs a leash. I lost her three times when she ran off to do God knows what. The first night we were on our way out of the park when we past these gentlemen playing bluegrass. It sounded real good and I was enjoying myself when Haze broke out into a dance. If she had a leash I would have yanked it and told her to stop. As it was I had to wait until she was finished, the second time. Those hillbilly jack wads applauded her and that self-righteous primp took a bow and started dancing again. If that Simon Cow from that talent show saw her he would have had a field day.

I’ve run out of time but I’ll write more later. Remember to keep your powder dry and if you have a friend on a leash remember to tie them up in the shade. Johnny Law doesn’t like it when you leave them in the sun. That’s another Dollywood memory I’ll share with you on a later date.


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