Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels

This story was written for a contest with the writing prompt, Begin a story that contains the words Believe it or not. The story must contain 1500 words or less. My story contains 1100 words. This is the story:

 

This is the type of story that should begin with believe it or not. Up front I’ll let you know even my best friends don’t believe me, but it happened. I guess this would rank right up there with UFOs and Bigfoot. I know you’ll agree this story is as strange as either of those examples, it’s harder to believe.

I remember it like it was this morning. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and the birds were singing. The back deck was in full sun and the table I sat at was getting warm. My coffee still steamed after fifteen minutes and I was beginning to sweat. This was the kind of morning when I could almost be convinced to buy a pool. As it was, I was thinking of running through the sprinkler. Suddenly the grinding of the garage door opening interrupted my thoughts. My wife was at work and I was the only other one with an opener which was currently located on the sun visor of my 1999 Corolla. I ran down the steps and around the house to the now open garage.

There was nothing out of the ordinary other than the door being open. Just as I was about to close the door and get back to my morning coffee, a push broom resting against the back wall of the garage fell over. I then saw movement out of the corner of my eye. It appeared to be a squirrel.

I ran to the back wall and yelled. This was meant to scare the squirrel and cause it to run squirrel-with-umbrella-1out the open garage door. It didn’t work. The squirrel charged me. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in front of a charging squirrel, this was my first time, but it’s not pleasant. My college biology class came to mind. The pictures of the squirrel’s anatomy were the first I remembered. It had a set of fangs that rivaled a rattlesnake’s. The squirrel used the fangs to break open nuts. I hoped this wasn’t what the squirrel had in mind as it charged. I did what any self-respecting man would do. I ran from the squirrel screaming like a little girl. I exited out the side door and circled around to the front of the open garage door, a safe twenty feet away.

As I stood there trying to figure out my next move I thought I heard laughter coming from the garage. Slowly I made my way forward. There, behind my tool box, I saw three squirrels grouped together. As one they turned toward me.

“What are you looking at?” one of the squirrels asked.

I stared back in disbelief. Then I began looking around the garage. This had to be some kind of joke.

“Hey, I’m talking to you big boy,” the squirrel said.

I looked back at the diminutive squirrels. Not only was one of the squirrels talking but he was also doing De Niro or Pesci. I couldn’t tell.

“Look, guys. Big boy can’t talk. You think he forgot how?” the squirrel said.

“I don’t think he’s ever seen squirrel’s wearing masks,” the taller one said.

“Maybe it’s the weapons. Maybe he’s never seen squirrels carrying weapons,” the short, plump one added.

Not only were the squirrels talking but they were now making fun of me. I didn’t know what to make of it.

“Who are you guys?” I asked.

“We are the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels,” the plump one said.

“The MAMNS?” I asked.

“Hey, buddy. It’s not supposed to make sense. Okay?” the plump one said with a hint of a whine.

“I’m sorry, it sounds funny.”

“Funny how?” the first one asked.

All doubt was now gone. The little guy was doing Pesci. I resisted the urge to continue the bit so I asked one of the questions that was bouncing around in my head.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“We want your nuts,” the plump one said.

I involuntarily slammed my knees together and half turned away. My first fears were coming true.

“No, you idiot,” the tall one said. “We want the nuts in your front yard.”

“And if I say no?”

With that they vaulted into the air. Pesci landed on my head. The plump one hit me in the shin with his nunchucks and the tall one stabbed my left buttocks with his tiny sword. I spun quickly but Pesci reached down and grabbed two handfuls of my eyebrows. Dropping to my knees I again screamed like a little girl.

“I just asked you for a favor,” Pesci said.

“Okay,” I screamed. “Take the nuts.”

With that they jumped, did another somersault, and landed in front of me looking like three little stuffed animals.

“That’s all we wanted,” the tall one said.

“You couldn’t have said that earlier and saved us the trouble?” Pesci asked.

I was facing them when I glanced over their shoulder and saw my dog, Otis, looking in the side door with his head tilted to the side. As I watched he lowered his head. A low growl sounded and rose into a high-pitched bark. The three squirrels turned when Otis made his move. He charged toward them, teeth showing. Now, Otis is not a vicious dog. He wasn’t much bigger than the squirrels and probably thought they were something to play with. Pesci dove to the side then lunged toward Otis. In a matter of seconds Pesci was straddling the dog while he ran around the garage. The plump one threw a rope with balls attached to either end, I think it’s called a bolo. The balls wrapped around the dog’s legs and he fell to the floor then skidded against the back wall. Pesci rolled off and landed on his feet. The tall one stood next to the dog’s head with his tiny sword pressed against its nose.

“Now, I believe you owe us some nuts,” Pesci said.

With that said they strutted out to the front yard, the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels. I knew no one would ever believe me yet I told everyone. You know what they say about hindsight being twenty-twenty, I should have kept quiet.

Now I stare out my bared window, hoping the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels make a visit to the Greenlawn Sanitarium. It’s been a year and I haven’t seen them. I know they’ll show up. They have to. I keep telling my doctor they’ll be here soon because they need to gather their nuts for the winter. He just shakes his head and takes notes.